"I'm Standing in the Front Yard With Pie."

There are 3 characters in this story, myself, my mother "Windy" and other person that will be introduced later in the story. The majority of this story will be told from Windy's point of view with a paragraph or two from my vantage point. Let us begin.

Windy woke up at 4am one morning to answer nature's call and while in the bathroom she heard the sound of running water. She checked the bathroom and kitchen sinks to no avail. Still determined that there was water running somewhere in the house, Windy went downstairs and pin-pointed the source of the noise to the main water valve. Thinking that the outdoor water faucet was on, Windy turned the flood lights on and walked out the back door to investigate. She did indeed find that the outdoor faucet was mysteriously turned on but in solving one problem she had created a new one. The basement door locks when shut and Windy had forgot to bring a key. Windy was up the proverbial creek without a paddle and she didn't know what to do.

The only person with a key to the house was me, her daughter, and I lived on the other side of town. (38 miles away) Windy walked up to the front porch to sit and think about her situation. As she sat there and debated whether or not to wake a neighbor to borrow the phone, she heard a TV and noticed the basement lights were on in the house across the street. Windy went across the street and found her neighbor, a man who went by the nickname Pie, asleep in front of the blaring TV. She woke Pie up and told him her story. Together they walked to Windy's front yard where she called me, using Pie's cell phone.

Now this portion of the story is told from my perspective. The shrill ring of the phone pulls me out of a deep sleep. It's dark outside and my movements are slow and clumsy as I fumble around for the phone on the nightstand. The phone stopped ringing by the time I found the receiver, but there was message waiting on call notes. It was panicked message from my mother and her exact words were:

"Chickadee, I've locked myself out of the house. I'm standing in the front yard with pie."

I listened to the message twice, trying to figure out how she had locked herself out and why she would even leave the house when it was pitch black outside. And was she really standing in my front yard with pie? I got up to look out our bedroom window, which faced the front yard.

"Why would she say she's standing in the front yard with pie?" I asked outloud, peering through the blinds. Under the pale glow of the streetlight from the corner, I could see nothing but my car in front of the house.

"Hmph?" My husband sleepily asked.

I returned to bed and told him what my mother had said. He made a half-snort, half-laugh and turned the light on. Mom had not left a phone number but I pulled Pie's number off the caller ID and called her back. Now that I was more awake, I was a little on the peeved side and wondering if my mother had lost her marbles. I talked to her briefly and she told me that Pie was going to work on the door and that she would call me back.

It took some effort, but with the aid of a credit card, Pie was able to pop the door open.

Moral of the story? Don't answer your phone or listen to the message when it rings in the middle of the night. Oh, and hide a spare key somewhere around the house. Or, just don't leave the house in the middle of the night.

The Attack of the Killer Amazon

My friend Trillium works as a zoo keeper in the Children's Zoo and one of her responsibilities is trimming the resident birds' beaks and nails. Consequently, all of the birds, especially the parrots, hate her with a passion.

The birds in the Children's Zoo either have educational jobs or are out on display to be admired by the public. Most of the parrots are the stars of the zoo's summer programs and live together in a large room. The parrots are treated well and each has their own spacious cage filled with lots of toys. These parrots include a Blue-and-Gold Macaw, Scarlet Macaw, Conure and 2 Amazons.

One day a few weeks ago Trillium was assigned the duty of cleaning the parrots' cages. Trillium knew most, if not all, of the parrots hated her but she wasn't worried. Cleaning the cages was a fairly simple task that did not require handling the birds. The trays in most cages are separated by a grate and these grates serve 2 purposes. One is to prevent the parrot from walking around in its droppings and the second is to protect housecleaning fingers from nippy beaks. Some cages do not have the grate and obviously require the bird to be removed from their cage for a successful cleaning.

But there was one parrot in the bunch who would need to be taken out of her cage and that was Bonnie. Bonnie was an Amazon Parrot and for those of you who don't know, Amazons have strong personalities and be quite aggressive towards those they don't know or like. Large parrots can bite down with the equivalent of 700 pounds per square inch. That's quite a chomp.

With these facts in mind, Trillium asked about Bonnie and was repeatedly assured by her co-workers that Bonnie was a very sweet bird. Still skeptical, Trillium grabbed a dowel to take Bonnie out of the cage. Bonnie vehemently attacked the stick before stepping on to it and proceeded to quickly advance towards Trillium.

Seeing Bonnie's obvious desire to chew her down to a bloody stump, Trillium switched the dowel to the other hand but the bird continued to race up the stick. Trillium put the stick and bird on the ground and backed off. Bonnie began a high-pitched cackle like that of the wicked witch of the west as she advanced towards Trillium. Bonnie had cracked open a can of whoop ass and intended to finish it.

Trillium recalls that Bonnie's body language was the epitome of Amazonian aggression, eyes pinning (pupils continually constricting and dilating) feathers fluffed, tail fanned and wings slightly extended. The bird had literally backed Trillium up against a wall. Trillium called for help and when help arrived, they couldn't believe their sweet, sweet Bonnie was so mean.

I guess their Bonnie had gone bad.